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I go back to work tomorrow. I’ll be back in the building full time for the first time since March, and I’m feeling all kinds of ways about it.

Since the government informed us that we’d be teaching in-person in near-normal circumstances, I’ve had a really hard time wrapping my mind around what that might look like.

I finally went in the other day to clean up some stuff that I’d left out over the summer, and move my teacher desk to a place that allows for more space for kids but still gives me a fortress that kids can’t get into, and sort out what stuff was staying on shelves and what was going into filing cabinets (or the garbage). There was a lot to do, and it was nice to have somewhere to focus my energy.

The whole time I was organizing my stuff, though, I kept looking at the student desks as they’re laid out in my room. I have 37 desks in there, and while I don’t think I’ll need all of them this year, there’s still not very much space for each student.

And when I looked at the space between the desks, the thing that’s been gnawing at me since the government announcement made itself known.

I’m not too worried about the kids, or the new health & safety protocols we have to follow, or the restrictions on staff gathering in lunchrooms and other places. It’s none of these things.

What’s been bugging me all this time is the idea of space.

I finally realized that going back to work, while fraught with many things, is stressing me out because there simply isn’t any way to ensure enough space to be comfortable. I usually arrange my desks in pairs so that the aisles are easier for everyone to move through. I often leave about 3 feet behind the chairs at the back so that people can move behind the desks. I like to pull the desks off the wall so that students aren’t jammed beside it. Sometimes I arrange my desks parliamentary style so we can get into some discussions. Occasionally I seat students in a circle so we can read in the round.

I can’t do any of those things this year.

Desks have to go in rows and be spaced out as much as possible (in my room, that will likely be about 2 feet, not 6 feet like it should be). Students need to face the front, and (as far as I know) can’t be moved into groups even while they’re masked up.

My classroom isn’t tiny, but it’s not huge either. Being in there alone is fine, but knowing how full it’s going to feel when there are students in there is really making me think.

I realize it sounds foolish, but I’ve spent the last 5.5 months mostly at home (or with my parents) and I’ve grown very used to having a lot of personal space as I go about my day. I have an office where I can work. I have a patio I sit on when I want to get some air and read. I have a kitchen table where I can also work (and occasionally eat a meal). There’s a living room and a basement and a bedroom, too. I have space at my mom & dad’s house – the backyard is my oasis and I’ve been there a lot lately.

A few friends have come over to my house since March, and in each case we’ve sat much farther apart than 6ft, both inside and outside. My folks and I eat dinner together, but other than that we are spread out across the main floor of their house (or in the backyard) minding our own business. The few times I’ve been in other people’s homes or yards, we’ve also kept our distance.

Even when I’ve had to go out, I’ve been able to maintain distancing at almost every turn. Other than turning down an aisle in the grocery store and seeing someone right there, I hardly come into close contact with anyone at all.

Going back to work, that’s not possible.

Whether I like it or not, I will have to be in prolonged close contact with two sets of teenagers a day plus the colleagues in my zone of the school.

I miss my kids, and I miss my friends at work, and I want to be back in the classroom doing the job I love in a place that feels like home.

I just don’t want to do it in a physical setting that makes me or my students uncomfortable in these circumstances.